What Do Children Really Want From Us?
By Charlotte Wilson, Mental Health and Wellbeing Leader
As parents and carers, we spend an enormous amount of time thinking about what our children need. We think about their education, friendships, activities, health, sleep, behaviour, opportunities and future. We drive them places, feed them, organise them, teach them, remind them, encourage them and, of course, worry about them.
So much of parenting is necessarily focused on meeting those needs and making decisions about what we believe is best for our children. But there is another, slightly different question that perhaps we don’t stop to ask quite as often:
What do our children actually want from us?
Of course, children want things, experiences, adventures and opportunities too. But when children and young people are given the opportunity to reflect on what matters most, their answers often point to something much simpler.
Recently, I came across research that asked senior students about the adults who make the greatest difference in their lives. Again and again, their responses came back to relationships. They valued adults who knew them, listened to them, understood them, enjoyed being with them and genuinely cared about what was happening in their world.
Above so many of the things we work incredibly hard to provide for our children, what stood out was their desire to feel seen.
These were older students, with the language and maturity to articulate what mattered to them, but I don’t think this begins in adolescence. Before children can speak, they seek our faces, our touch and our attention. As they grow, the ways they ask for connection change: Watch me. Play with me. Listen to this. Come and see. Lie with me for a minute. Can I tell you something?
The words change as they grow, but the message underneath them remains remarkably similar:
See me. Know me. Be interested in my world. Be here with me.
And perhaps the encouraging part for those of us navigating very full family lives is that helping our children feel this way doesn’t necessarily require hours of uninterrupted quality time.
Sometimes, five minutes can matter.
Five Minutes Can Be Harder Than It Sounds
Of course, five minutes sounds incredibly easy until you’re actually in the middle of family life.
It’s 5:15pm. You’ve just arrived home from afternoon sport. There are lunchboxes on the bench, dinner needs to be made, the washing needs hanging out, there are messages you haven’t answered and three things you’re desperately trying not to forget for tomorrow. Your body may technically be standing beside your child while your brain is simultaneously carrying fifteen unfinished tasks.
And then you hear “Mum, watch this!” for what feels like the eighteenth time that afternoon.
Of course it can be difficult to be completely present in those moments.
There is another part of this that I think is worth acknowledging too. We live in an incredibly demanding world, and many of us have become very accustomed to constantly doing, thinking, checking, planning and moving on to the next thing. In that context, five minutes of doing nothing but being with our child can sometimes feel surprisingly difficult. Our mind wanders to the washing, the email we haven’t answered or the thing we need to organise for tomorrow, and we can feel an almost automatic pull to get up and keep going.
Being present is a skill, and like most skills, it becomes easier with practice. Each time we notice our attention wandering and bring it back to the child in front of us, we strengthen our capacity to slow down and become more comfortable being fully present.
This isn’t another message telling families to slow down, do less or feel guilty about all the times we’ve said “not now” or half-listened while cooking dinner. That’s real family life. In fact, so much of the busyness filling our minds: making dinner, washing clothes, remembering forms, booking appointments, exists precisely because we are caring for our children.
Perhaps the invitation isn’t to do more, but to occasionally stop amongst all the things we do for our children and simply be with them.
Not all afternoon. Sometimes, just five minutes.
Connection Doesn’t Need Another Spot in the Calendar
The good news is that those five minutes don’t necessarily need another spot on the calendar, because connection can happen within the life we already have.
It might be five minutes sitting on the end of the bed before lights out, really following a conversation in the car, kicking the footy while dinner cooks, listening to the unnecessarily detailed story about what happened at lunchtime, or actually looking when they say, “Watch this!”
It might be letting them choose the song and singing it together, laughing over something ridiculous, staying in a hug for a little longer, sitting intertwined on the couch, or putting down what we’re doing for a moment because we sense that this particular conversation matters.
None of these moments is extraordinary, and perhaps that’s exactly the point. Connection doesn’t always happen in the carefully planned family days or the big experiences we work so hard to create. Often, it is built quietly in ordinary moments.
The difference isn’t necessarily what we’re doing. It’s the message our attention sends while we’re doing it:
I’m interested in you. I’m listening. I enjoy being with you. Your world matters to me.
Sometimes, We Could Ask
Recently, I watched a conversation between a father and his teenage son that brought me to tears. The father asked him a series of questions about their relationship: what he appreciated, what he wished his dad had done differently, the small things that mattered to him and which moment from their life together he would most like to experience again.
His answers were beautifully ordinary. He wished his dad had been home more, and when asked about the small things he appreciated, he spoke about being told good morning, being woken up and simply talking together.
Of course, “be home more” isn’t something many parents can simply make happen. Much of what occupies our time is necessary and is done precisely because we love and care for our children. What stayed with me was what seemed to sit underneath his answer: what he wanted more of was time with his dad.
Then, when asked which moment from their life he would most like to experience again, his answer was:
“Just my whole life.”
He talked about the movies, the arcade and ordinary things they had done together. His answer has stayed with me.
Watch the father and son conversation here.
Perhaps we don’t always need to guess what our children would like more of from us. Sometimes, we could ask:
“What would you like me to do more of with you?”
Or perhaps, “When do you feel happiest when we’re together?” or “What’s something you wish we did more often?”
And then, before explaining why something might be difficult or working out the logistics, we could simply be curious about their answer.
It might be lie with me for longer at bedtime, play basketball with me, come outside, let me help you cook, play that game with me or simply cuddle me more.
Sometimes children are remarkably good at telling us what matters to them when we give them the opportunity.
Try these Five Minutes Tonight
For younger children, one of my favourite connection practices is something I call the I Love You Meditation. At bedtime, or whenever you have a few quiet minutes together, invite your child to close their eyes and relax while you gently trace their features with your finger, slowly bringing their attention to each part of their face as you tell them something you love or appreciate about it. It combines the calming focus of a simple body-awareness practice with the added warmth of connection and compassion. There is no perfect script, but it might sound something like this:
“I love your eyebrows and all the expressions they make.”
“I love your eyes for noticing all the wonderful things around you.”
“I love your cheeks for holding up your beautiful smile.”
“I love your mouth for speaking kind and helpful words, and for making me laugh.”
“I love your ears for listening, learning and hearing the world around you.”
“I love this wonderful mind and all the thoughts, ideas and imagination inside it.”
You might finish with:
“And most of all, I love you, just for being you.”
Make it yours. Make them laugh. Add something you noticed or appreciated about them that day, or let them do it back to you and hear what they come up with.
For Older Children
For older children, the same practice can be adapted into a more traditional body scan. Rather than tracing each feature, invite them to close their eyes and slowly bring their attention to different parts of their body, while adding the same layer of appreciation, compassion and connection:
“Bring your attention to your feet and everything they have carried you through today.”
“Notice your hands and all the ways they help you create, play, help and connect.”
“Bring your attention to your face and all the ways you express who you are.”
“Finally, notice your mind and all the thoughts, ideas, memories and possibilities it holds.”
“Take a moment to appreciate this body and mind that belong completely to you, and know how very loved you are.”
The words don’t matter nearly as much as the intention behind them. For a few minutes, there is nothing to achieve, correct, teach, organise or rush towards.
You are simply there together.
Five Minutes That Matter
Five minutes isn’t a magic number. This isn’t about becoming more present all day or adding another expectation to an already very full life. It’s about noticing the small opportunities for connection that already exist in our days and, every now and then, making one of them really count.
If tonight you stay beside them for five minutes longer than usual, put your phone down for one conversation, really watch the thing they’re desperate to show you, play five minutes of kick-to-kick outside, or ask them a question and give yourself time to hear the whole answer, that’s a success.
Because relationships are built in moments, and small moments repeated over time can become something much bigger.
This is the first in a new Five Minutes That Matter series I’ll be sharing through future Wellness Wednesday articles, with simple ideas, questions and practices that can be woven into everyday family life.
Maybe just five more minutes tonight.